Did you ever have that distinct feeling as a new parent that you had just brought a stranger into you home?
I do. In fact, I remember sitting in our living room at 3 AM with Malachi screaming thinking, “I literally have no idea what you are trying to tell me.”
We didn’t have a clue about what we had just gotten ourselves into as new parents. (Admittedly, Tara knew more than I did… she still does.)
And wow, did we make mistakes!
It’s actually a wonder any of our kids survive the laundry list of failures we submit our children to especially at first. The reality is you don’t know what you don’t know!
You don’t know what the crying means.
You don’t know what the rash is from.
You don’t know which formula brands to buy (and why isn’t your wife breastfeeding in the first place?), whether to use cloth or disposable, or which bum wipes cause a rash.
(Rashes are literally the worst.)
Just take a moment and think back on your first days as a new parent. Can you remember them? If you can’t it’s likely because you have exiled them from the recesses of your memory to preserve your dignity.
As new foster parents, the list of things that can go wrong simply grows. But don’t fear, many people have made mistakes before you to learn from. Like us!
Here are three things we got wrong as new foster parents, that you can get right!
We Feared the System
Fear is almost always unhelpful.
I mean, if you’re about to climb a tree, wondering if those dead looking branches can support your weight, a bit of fear is probably appropriate.
But, in general, fear isn’t great.
We feared the system. We had heard rumours about how CFS functioned and how callous they could be. We heard that they cared more about funding than kids. We heard about false allegations and kids who were moved from home to home indiscriminately. We just heard a lot because our main source of information was the media.
Newsflash: there aren’t a ton of great, joy-filled stories about CFS in the media.
To be sure, there are systemic dysfunctions with CFS. There has been unbelievable pain caused by rash decisions or policies that harm instead of help.
BUT… fear doesn’t help. It just doesn’t.
What helps is finding the courage to communicate and work for positive change.
Here’s what I’ve found; social workers actually love kids. They are trying their best to do what is right for the welfare of children. And when children are involved, the stakes are very, very high.
So, we have learned to be helpful and supportive instead of overly critical. With that approach we have gained favour with our agency and when we have had to be critical, they have sat down with us, listened, and tried to come to an appropriate solution.
Don’t fear the system. The system is filled with people who, by and large, do what they can to make the best of a bad situation.
We Thought Bad Behaviour Was Bad
We had one little guy stay with us who we thought was bad.
I mean really bad. He would say things a three-year-old should NOT say and beat on the other kids. He could bust through baby gates and would sometimes sit under tables and growl at us. We used to say that from the moment his eyes opened in the morning until they closed at night, we needed to know where he was and what he was up to.
At the beginning, we would do time-in’s with him when he misbehaved. This means we would hold him on our laps, or beside us on the couch, when he needed to regulate his body and behaviour.
But then we figured out he was misbehaving so that we would hold him!
No, no, no, no, no.
We were now rewarding the behaviour. This was bad. And we started giving him time-outs alone on a stool.
Fortunately, we learned about TBRI® and learned that this kind of behaviour is fairly normal for kids with trauma. The behaviour wasn’t actually bad.
Just like all children, this little guy craved to be held. He just didn’t know how to communicate that craving to us. He was trying to get into our arms the only way he knew how; misbehaviour. Now, does that actually sound bad to you? No. That behaviour is just confused.
So, we started pre-empting the behaviour with “hard hugs.” We reinstated time-in’s when his actions needed it, but we stayed with him in the consequence. He learned we didn’t see him as his bad actions, but as a little boy who needed hug.
We had been wrong and when we course corrected the change was remarkable.
Children are not their behaviour. Their behaviour reflects something that is going on inside them that they may not be able to articulate. Our job as parents, teachers, and caregivers is to help them find a way to communicate their needs appropriately so we can help meet that need!
We Feared Birth Parents
We were also often extremely wary of birth parents.
There is something normal about fearing the unknown; but again, fear is rarely helpful.
Do you know that I’ve never met a parent who didn’t love their child? That love might be strained. It might be broken. They may be out there, but I’ve never personally met a parent who just didn’t love their child.
These days when a child enters our care, we see ourselves as allies with their birth parents because we also love that child. Often, we have had children in our home for a relatively short period of time, perhaps weeks or months, during which their parents will get support or training so they can be better equipped and reunited with their kids. Shouldn’t the foster parent be a part of that success?
We have enriched our lives by building relationships with our kids’ birth parents. To be certain, we have had to set boundaries, and in some circumstances a relationship hasn’t been appropriate or possible. But in general our experiences have been positive once we get to know our kids’ parents.
Here’s a pro tip. If you’re a foster parent, offer to do the drop off and pick up from visits whenever you can. It isn’t always possible, but when it is, you will get a chance to say hi, give a hug, or just smile at the people you share love for a child with.
Being a foster parent has a learning curve to it. Just like with a new baby we are welcoming strangers into our homes. But with time, patience and love, strangers don’t remain strange for long. Don’t fear the challenges you will need to overcome or the mistakes you will make along the way as a foster parent – go in willing to learn and make a HUGE difference in the world.
If you are interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent – please don’t hesitate to reach out!
Thom Van Dycke
Speaker, Writer, Husband, Dad
Tara and I were married in 2001 and have a house full of kids (and a few that have outgrown the house!) We became foster parents in 2011 and since then have welcomed 30 children into our home. Currently, we have 8 kids ranging from newborn to 24-years old (we even have a son-in-law!). My heart beats for kids from hard places and I was trained as a TBRI Practitioner in 2017.