Teachers and therapists talk a lot about what they call self-regulation. And foster parents, in particular, hear about it a lot, too. But understanding self-regulation is critical for all parents, teachers, kid’s leaders, and, well, people. Here’s why.
Understanding self-regulation will help you understand your kids and how to meet their needs, and even help understand yourself and why you react the way you often do.
If someone were to ask me for a simple definition of self-regulation, I would say it is the ability to maintain my emotions and reactions regardless of what is going on around me. When I am dysregulated, it means I am on the verge of an outburst, becoming overwhelmed, or retreating within myself, as opposed to dealing with what is going on around me.
Why Kids Become Dysregulated
There are many reasons why kids become dysregulated, but it is the job of a caregiver, whether that be a parent, teacher, mentor, or whoever works with kids, to help a child find that “green zone” of regulation again.
As a child develops, they will move from “external regulation” to “co-regulation” to “self-regulation.”
External regulation occurs when the child isn’t able to regulate themselves at all. For example, when a baby is dysregulated, the baby alerts the parent to their need by crying and the parent meets that need.
With an infant, there are pretty much only three things that cause dysregulation; hunger (or thirst), tiredness, and discomfort (from a wet diaper for example). When the infant experiences one of these triggers, they cry and the adult swoops in to meet the need which can result in some fantastic video footage.
The great thing about these dads is that they are demonstrating their own dysregulation by nearly vomiting at the sight and smell of dirty diapers.
So, an infant is completely reliant on the parent to regulate for them; this is “external regulation.”
External Regulation Becomes Co-Regulation
This changes as kids get older.
Eventually our kids learn to communicate their needs without losing their minds like a baby. They may turn to whining as a strategy to get a snack when their bodies need, or they may help themselves to the healthy snacks you have left out for them.
They are co-regulating. This child won’t always get it right, but they are learning the key actions that lead to regulation.
And Finally, Self-Regulation
This, hopefully, eventually leads to self-regulation as they become young teenagers and then young adults. So the teenager doesn’t need you to help him regulate his hunger, he knows where the chips are, where you hid the chocolate (you thought you were so clever), and that when he is tired he should sleep. (He just chooses to sleep during the day, as opposed to getting a good night’s rest… at least it’s moving in the right direction.)
This then is self-regulation. It is the ability to regulate our emotions so that we don’t become overwhelmed.
No one gets it right all the time even as adults, but with children, they are just learning the skills of regulation, so they get it wrong a lot. Literally, what is happening is that their brains are developing pathways that allow them to distinguish between what is something to be alarmed at and what is not. (For example, the baby is alarmed at her hunger until she develops the pathways in her brain through the repeated meeting of that need by her mother.)
Trauma and Regulation
Things get tricky when an individual has had trauma in their lives. When this happens the pathways that eventually develop to help keep emotions in check are sidelined, or miswired so that things that should be scary are not, and things that shouldn’t be scary are.
For example, a child who has been abused might learn that touch is scary. A child in a healthy home will have received nurturing touch which will have developed pathways in their brain that allows them to actually calm down through touch, not get agitated or terrified.
On the other hand, a child whose needs are never met through a caring adult might learn to fend for themselves; they become survivors and need to actually learn how to receive care. They avoid all efforts to have someone help them to co-regulate, and they can come up with some pretty dysfunctional ways to self-regulate (drugs for example).
So, learning to self-regulate isn’t just a nice idea to help kids function in the world, it is an essential skill to become a healthy and autonomous individual.
If you would like to receive a PDF with 5 Self Regulation Skills for Kids, just sign up here and you’ll receive a link to download the info sheet! Then, every week I’ll send more tips that can be used as parents and teachers with kids who are challenging!
If you need support as a foster parent, please contact me! If I can’t help I will connect you with someone who can.
Thom Van Dycke
Speaker, Writer, Husband, Dad
Tara and I were married in 2001 and have a house full of kids (and a few that have outgrown the house!) We became foster parents in 2011 and since then have welcomed 30 children into our home. Currently, we have 8 kids ranging from newborn to 24-years old (we even have a son-in-law!). My heart beats for kids from hard places and I was trained as a TBRI Practitioner in 2017.