Four Simple Tools That Changed Our Lives As Foster Parents

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but at one point we were giving 20 minute time-outs to a three-year-old… in a room by himself. (It was a playroom with a window in the door so he wan’t unsupervised!)

This was before we learned about Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) and how simple practices would greatly reduce our frustration as parents. (And our kids’ frustration in return; I don’t know a ton of kids who love long, lonely time-outs.)

Now, to be fair, he was a three-year-old like we had never encountered before. (We were also relatively new foster parents.) When he first arrived in our home he would sit under tables and growl at us; this was completely foreign and bizarre behavior in our world at the time.

Today, we realize that even at his very young age, this little guy had experienced trauma that we could only imagine. He coped with stress by eating cheerios and snacks to the point that we thought he might have diabetes.

And let me tell you, if he didn’t get his cheerios… wow.

(For a good comparison imagine ripping your 14-year-old’s cell phone out of her hands while she’s texting with friends.)

We were frustrated and he was frustrated.

And then we heard about a conference.

The Turning Point

This conference became a turning point for us.

Although we didn’t realize, it sparked far more than just a readjustment as parents, it gave us hope and a new mission! What we learned at the Empowered To Connect conference (now called Hope for the Journey), made such a difference that we literally couldn’t stop telling people about it. Anyone who would listen!

There’s not doubt about it, we were overwhelmed when we took in those two days with a small group of people we hardly knew to watch a simulcast with vocabulary we didn’t understand. Day one was theory, and it was a lot of information to take in. Day two was practical. We left with real tools to implement.

And believe me, they were simple tools.

Four Simple Tools

This is what we started doing with our growling three-year-old after the conference:

1. We started getting to the “problem” within the first 60 seconds. We learned that if you intervene quickly and efficiently that a lot of behavior can be dealt with quickly.
2. We were playful before we were stern. Far too often, we use a tone of voice that is closer to that of a commanding officer, than a parent. Parents can be playful; playfulness is nurturing and reserves the more serious tone, language and actions for urgent and dangerous behavior.
3. We got down on his level, “gathered” his eyes and gently held his hands before we tried to correct. We called this simply, “two hands and two eyes.” In other words, we connected before we corrected.
4. We did time-ins instead of time-outs. Instead of abandoning and isolating, we took him up on our lap or nestled him in beside us on the couch. This taught him that we were with him, that he didn’t lose us because of his behavior. He was not his behavior.

Sounds simple right? It was. And within two days, we eliminated at least 80% our little guy’s “time-out” behavior.

But It Didn’t Last

At about the four-week mark we started to notice his behavior becoming more challenging again. This marked a key realization on our part; we had to “stick with the program,”

Was he really “regressing?” Nope.

We were.

We weren’t being as intentional as we had been at first. Once we realized it and made another slight course correction, we saw the behavior we wanted again.

And this is the brilliance of TBRI. It is simple. It can be implemented incrementally (i.e. you don’t have to do everything at once!), and it hopeful!

It isn’t necessarily easy to parent this intentionally, but what is easy in life? And if we as parents aren’t willing to do the hard work of good parenting, then we can’t be shocked or offended when our kids don’t reach their potential.

Now It’s Your Turn

I have become convinced that TBRI represents one of the most balanced, holistic and effective models of parenting. It works in our homes and families. But it also works in schools, daycares, pre-schools and ministries.

This is why I took the training to become a TBRI practitioner. I want to help more people discover the hope and potential of every child, regardless of their trauma, pain, and loss.

If you are interested in learning more about TBRI and how I can help you implement it in your home or workplace, please contact me!

(PS Click HERE to download the four points in a printable format.)

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