Most work in child welfare involves some level of heartbreak; which is really tough. But it also involves the chance to grow in compassion; which is great!
In the past, I have said that as soon as Child and Family Services is involved, we are trying to fit bandages on top of bandages. In other words, something is broken.
And while I’m quick to point out that brokenness exists in everyone, certain brokenness places children at risk and we must always care for the most vulnerable.
But foster care involves more than just compassion for children!
There are more souls to love in the equation.
We have always tried, to the best of our ability, to get to know the birth parents of our foster children. In our experience, this has made a difficult situation much easier for everyone. It allows us to see a bit of where our kids come from, and it helps the birth parents [hopefully] trust us a little bit. This also helps social workers because, for one example, if we know and are known by birth parents, we can handle some logistics and communication that would otherwise go to their worker who already has an overwhelming workload.
Plus, we love our kids’ birth parents. Genuinely.
And I have yet to meet a parent who didn’t love their children. Actually.
When Love Is Not Enough
Unfortunately, love isn’t always enough. For example, a parent might be awesome when they are sober, but that doesn’t change the fact that when they are high or drunk that they mistreat or neglect their kids.
That is hard to watch; for us as adults, and especially for kids in care.
Addiction, to me, is heartbreaking on so many levels. (And equally complex on many levels!) But with addiction, there is at least the chance that a parent will get themselves sober – I’ve seen it happen many times!
What I find more difficult, are the cases where the parents actually just can’t. It’s not that they won’t work on addiction and or the parenting tools they need to bring their kids back home, but that special needs or mental health is such that they won’t ever have the capacity to parent their children safely.
This is heart wrenching.
But why a blog about it?
Can’t vs. Won’t Doesn’t Matter
What I find is that in many cases, the “can’t’s” and “won’t’s” aren’t immediately apparent; in fact, they may never be.
This is the complicated world we live in as foster parents, social workers, and child welfare advocates.
There are parents who look like they should be able to pull themselves into a healthy place, but actually can’t. And there are some who look like that they can’t, but do!
If being involved with foster care has taught me anything it’s the need for strident compassion. Compassion involves reserving judgement. I’ve heard some foster parents saying that they struggle with anger towards parents who would harm their children. Yes. That is a level of injustice that is abhorrent.
But we forget that beneath everything that seems so obvious to us, might be someone dealing with profound mental illness or trauma from their own childhood.
Compassion, I believe, recognizes that there is almost always more to the story than meets the eye. It doesn’t minimize the need to keep children safe and it doesn’t excuse awful behaviour, but it does give us a degree of understanding and helps us find a way forward.
If you are a foster parent, remember, your foster children will always have birth parents. That is reality and is nothing to fear or feel jealous about.
While you care for the precious souls entrusted to you, always remember that they are forever connected to other equally precious souls; their parents.
If you need support as a foster parent, please contact me! If I can’t help I will connect you with someone who can.
Thom Van Dycke
Speaker, Writer, Husband, Dad
Tara and I were married in 2001 and have a house full of kids (and a few that have outgrown the house!) We became foster parents in 2011 and since then have welcomed 30 children into our home. Currently, we have 8 kids ranging from newborn to 24-years old (we even have a son-in-law!). My heart beats for kids from hard places and I was trained as a TBRI Practitioner in 2017.