Every so often I like to let non-foster families in on our world just a little bit. This is the kind of post where I guarantee I will get foster parents reading to see if I got it right (with “Amen’s” and additional suggestions in the comments).
But it’s not really a blog for them.
This one is for the “muggles.” You know, the non-fostering families. (Or… pre-foster families?)
So if you aren’t a foster parent, thanks for reading; I hope you grow in empathy and compassion for the families around you caring for kids from hard places. Here are just a few things that give you a peek into our world.
Family photos can be hard for us.
I’m a firm believer that rules are a good thing and we need to absolutely protect the privacy of the children in our care and their families. But because of privacy laws we can’t celebrate our families with the world in the same way.
Look, we are just as proud of the little baby in our care as any mother. We dress them in adorable outfits and take pictures to remember how they looked knowing that we can’t post to social media and garner the ooh’s and ah’s they deserve.
Our kids have first days back to school as well. Can’t share them with the world (#Hallelujahtheyrebacktoschool).
It’s actually harder than you think.
So when you see a family photo on social media with blurred out faces and smiley face “stickers” covering up our kids, pray for us! And then celebrate the new shoes that you can see our kids are wearing!
Our kids see the world differently.
Trauma messes kids up. It makes them survivors and changed the way they interact with the world. To make a child in care feel safe can be very difficult and as a result you’ll see us making choices as parents that you wouldn’t make.
Some people look at a foster family and think, “Wow they have WAY too much structure.” While others will look and whisper to their spouse, “That kid clearly need more discipline.”
Actually, you don’t know that! We do. Because we live with our kids and struggle to help them out of survival mode and into attachment mode.
Think about it. You know when your child is acting out to manipulate you and when they are overwhelmed; we don’t. I have a rule when kids come into our home, nurture first, structure second. Chances are they are overwhelmed and surviving when enter care so I’m going to deal differently with them at the grocery store when they are losing their ever-living minds.
We do get it wrong but that’s what we are trying to do.
Don’t judge. Kindly help. Smile. Pray.
It gets confusing with last names.
And it’s SUPER annoying.
Yes I know he looks like us but has a different last name.
Yes I know he look different than us but has the same last name.
Different agencies have different rules about last names. Some allow kids to take the foster family’s name to give them a sense of belonging. Other agencies ask that you keep their last name as a way to keep them connected to their family and community.
It can also be hard for our kids to understand why they have different last names. So just know that it can actually be one of those areas that is tricky for us to navigate.
Our kids struggle with friends.
Because foster kids see the world differently, they can struggle with friends. In elementary school they might be left out or picked on, and in high school they might choose a dangerous group of friends.
Look, I know all kids can get bullied and all kids might end up with a bad crowd, but foster kids are more at-risk than many other kids.
Here’s what we need from you, patience and love. We need to teach our kids to love everyone. To understand that inviting the new kid to a birthday party is awkward, but that it’s the right thing to do.
We also need you to see our kids as precious souls, not as their behavior. (That’s a pro-tip for any parent.)
BONUS TIP:
Here’s a last little thing to think about. It’s super annoying when you say you could never be a foster parent because you would just love the kids too much and if they were removed from your home you couldn’t let go.
Come on now. Don’t say that!
Think about what it communicates.
“You don’t love kids as much as I would.”
“Saying good-bye to kids must be easier for you.”
“Kids aren’t worth that kind of grief and personal pain.”
Am I offended, nah. I just want everyone to be loving in their words and life.
Thanks for reading! If you want to join the magical community of foster families contact me and I’ll help you with the next step!
If you need support as a foster parent, please contact me! If I can’t help I will connect you with someone who can.
Thom Van Dycke
Speaker, Writer, Husband, Dad
Tara and I were married in 2001 and have a house full of kids (and a few that have outgrown the house!) We became foster parents in 2011 and since then have welcomed 30 children into our home. Currently, we have 8 kids ranging from newborn to 24-years old (we even have a son-in-law!). My heart beats for kids from hard places and I was trained as a TBRI Practitioner in 2017.