3 Ways that Trauma is a thief (and what you can do about it)

I always like a good heist movie. Where there is an underdog who’s a thief and goes all “Robinhood” on the rich casino owner. I mean if the likable bad guy steals from the unlikable bad guy, (who happens to be astronomically wealthier and more evil comparatively,) then surely crime is ok!

Until it’s real life and you’re the victim. Then even the likable bad guys are just… well bad.

Trauma is bad. It’s a bad thief that is unconcerned with age, gender, socio-economic background, or any other statistical demographic. It affects all people differently, but all people will eventually face that thief.

The younger the person being traumatized, however, the greater the potential for life-altering damage. And tragically, kids who grow up in the foster system are exposed to exponentially greater trauma in their lives than those who don’t.

Trauma also wears many faces. Trauma could come in the form of a difficult pregnancy or birth (for both the mother and child!), a life-threatening illness or accident, the loss of a loved one, abuse, neglect, poverty; these are all forms of trauma.

So what are the effects of trauma in kids? Here are just three of the ways trauma steals (and keep reading to the end… because there’s always hope!)

Trauma Steals Security

Have you ever witnessed a bad accident on a route you often drive? Did that scene burn itself into your imagination? Seeing a bad accident is a form of trauma and it impacts how you feel and behave every time that memory is triggered.

A few years ago, I watched our dog get hit by a car. She was somewhat sub-intelligent and every 10^th time I let her out to go to the bathroom she would take off, run to the neighbours to greet their dog, and then return. This was the 10^th time, but as she took off though I saw a car coming down our road. It was as if knew what was about to happen. There was a thud and a yelp, and she was gone.

What I noticed in the days and weeks that followed surprised me; I literally drove white-knuckled down the country roads to our home. All I could think about is what would happen if a child ran out in front of my vehicle. If the car couldn’t stop for a dog, I wouldn’t be able to stop for a child and that was, well, terrifying.

My sense of confidence was shaken.

No matter how you feel about pets, this is a minor trauma compared to the trauma of abuse and neglect. And the crazy thing is that the feeling of powerlessness, or danger exists in our kids even when the danger is long passed.

This is why children from hard places can react so dramatically and erratically. It’s heartbreaking that although our kids are safe, they often don’t feel safe. Trauma steals their felt safety, and those effects can last long into their lives.

Trauma Steals Relationships

I don’t just mean that a child who is traumatized by a parent might lose that parent because they enter the foster system. I mean, kids who grow up experiencing systemic trauma literally don’t know how to navigate healthy relationships.

Of course, this makes sense given that their sense of security has been altered.

A wonderful relationship is one where we feel safe with another person. Where I can trust my wife and she can trust me. But if trust has never been demonstrated by someone else, and particularly when trust has been violated time and again, it only makes sense that a child would grow up being untrusting in their relationships.

Child development researchers can assess the attachment style of a child as young as one year old. What they find is that the attachment style of a one-year-old becomes the relationship strategy of the adult.

For example, if a child has a caregiver who responds inconsistently; with warm nurturing care one time and harsh indifference the next time, that child will often respond with inconsolable tears when their caregiver leaves and returns. Because of their caregiver’s inconsistent responses, the child has learned to do whatever it takes to stay in their caregiver’s circle of attention.

When this child grows up, they may be unable to discern healthy boundaries in relationships. They might be overbearing to keep the relationship going.

Trauma has stolen their ability to have healthy boundaries.

Trauma Steals Joy

It makes sense that when a child has grown up with multiple traumatic experiences, that they will have a more difficult time feeling joyful.

The joy of healthy relationships is altered.

The joy of security is harmed.

Neurologically, with trauma, a part of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, known as the “joy centre” is altered.

Children with trauma play less, communicate poorly, score lower grades in school and the list goes on and on.

But trauma also steals the joy of foster parents who desperately want all children to have the safest, most nurturing childhood possible. Obviously, if they act out because of the trauma in their lives, it is a challenge for foster parents. A challenge that takes a lot of discipline to walk through.

But there is another way in which trauma steals the joy of foster parents. It is hard to watch kids suffer. Like, really hard. I feel guilty when I think about the opportunities I was afforded in life, and the lack of opportunity some of our kids face because of factors well beyond their control.

Trauma is a thief that steals joy.

But. And this is a BIG but…

There is always hope for all kids!

Nothing worthwhile is easy in life and restoring a child to a healthy developmental trajectory isn’t easy. But my experience has taught me time and time again, that when caregivers respond to children with love expressed both in nurture and healthy structure, that they can thrive!

I live for this hope! My whole calling in life is to help parents, educators, leaders, and anyone else who loves the least of these, to restore hope where it was stolen.

Restoring hope isn’t a 90-minute thriller on Netflix. It is a life-long, often arduous, but incredible journey.

This is why I love Trust-Based Relational Intervention®, and why I’m committed to training as many people in it as possible. Trauma is overwhelming and complex and TBRI® gives practical tools that actually work! It isn’t so much about changing our kids as it is about changing the adult who loves them; how they connect, empower, and correct kids from hard places.

If you, or someone you know, could benefit from training in TBRI®, head over to www.thomvandycke.com/workshop-registration and sign up for a workshop. As of writing this blog the next workshop is on Saturday, November 28, 2020, but there will be more, so if you can’t make this one or miss the deadline to register, keep your eyes open for more opportunities!